Reading the Code

It is important that those of us leading the resistance to the scourge of the Pappa Latte, can recognize each other so that the network can build and grow stronger. The elements that distinguish the resistance must however not be too obvious or we would be spotted and surrounded by helpful grooming advice, babycare books and home made brownies. Given that you are reading this you can be trusted to be sympathetic to the cause and so I feel able to share but remember – burn this blog immediately after reading it! Ten Ways to Spot a Fellow Resistance Member 1. They will always have an orange stain of uncertain origin somewhere about their clothing. 2. They will always leave the house without one key toddler item (babywipes, spare nappy, drink…..). 3. If exposed to the sun extensively they will ensure that their legs are a completely different colour to their arms. 4. They will sing snatches of random 1970s pop lyrics at their child when they should be engaging them with a sound developmental book. 5. They will add details to the game of naming everyday items in their toddlers lives – i.e. ‘yes that is an airplane – let me just explain to you the aerodynamics of wings and lift’. 6. Their child will be dressed in at least one item of clothing bought at a jumble sale/flohmarkt. 7. They will not have a hairstyle under any circumstances. 8. They will expose their child regularly to BBC radio 4 and insist that they learn to pronounce Melvyn Bragg properly. 9. They will encourage their child to expand their palette – Fries dipped in a McFlurry – num num num. 10. They will ensure that their pushchair is covered by a light covering of mixed detritus of croissant crumbs and cheese fragments at all times. I have not done the stats but experience suggests with at least 4-5 of these signs in place you can be pretty sure that he is one of us. In order to be sure you need to see him being approached by a female friend – if he is incapable of executing one of those demi-hug double air-kiss greetings and tries to turn it into a handshake – you can be sure he is ok. Need to yomp off to Kindergarten now so this is Dr Buggy powering down the pangalactic thought enhancer and saying Live Long and Nanu Nanu.

Prologue

'Papa Latte' first emerged from the 21st century on earth when a localised infection of Scandinavian progressiveness reversed traditional gender roles amongst the bipeds - one of the first mentions of this comes from the chronicles of the grauniad although these are now widely discounted as a reliable source due to the strange habits of the chroniclers to hug trees resulting in inhaling sap which temporarily rendered them incapable of rational thought. The 'Papa Latte' sect spread slowly but surely with whispered mantras of 'paternal bonding', 'emotional intelligence', 'quality time' and 'cake baking'. Over time a uniform developed of chinos, casual shirt, man bag with baby sling permanently attached accompanying designer stubble and a perpetually bemused and tired look. A dialect started to develop focusing on the quality of kindergartens, napping routines, Gutscheins, availability of size 23 wellingtons, and the hidden messages secreted in episodes of Peppa Pig - this rendered their speech virtually unintelligible to any sentient beings nearby. Their spread was fiercely resisted by the Hoch Deutsch (slightly related to the Vulcans) who questioned what might happen to their designer white jeans and Ray Bans if exposed for more than a few seconds to a toddler with a beaker full of juice and chocolatey fingers - but even these proud guardians of the way of the Porsche could not turn back the P-L tide which spread slowly over them. It appeared that apart from a small holdout of 'Macho Men' in the countries bordering the Med that complete dominance of the 'Pappa Latte' would be complete - until one man, combining the rugged good looks of Jabba the Hut, with the interpersonal sensitivity of Darth Vader, and the intelligence of Jar Jar Binks, managed to infiltrate the 'Papa Latte', learn their secrets, and now leads the resistance. That person is that last hope of Manity, Sanity, Profanity and Urbanity. As he continues to carry out his perilous mission he must retain his anonymity (just like Batman, Superman etc) - we shall just call him Dr. Buggy - close friends get to call him DB! And these are his adventures in the most fearful of places in the known galaxy - yes prepare to enter the Toddler Zone Der di dah dah,Der di dah dah..........