Just what are you wearing?!

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” Mark Twain.

I was reminded of this when junior - being sick and under-the-weather over the weekend - caused the emergency Toy Story DVD box set to be cracked open, and after the little one had hurled at the end of Toy Story 2 (a harsh critical response I felt), I ended up with a dozing sick child on my knee smelling slightly of vomit as we segued into Toy Story 3.  The specific scene (which banished any thoughts and odours of sick temporarily) was that in which Ken models his outfits for Barbie to a musical soundtrack 

Parents here seem to dress their children quite carefully (not as carefully as their dogs… but nearly) – Junior Papa Latte just looks like himself whatever you put him in.  I have form in this area being 70s teenager who owned his share of platforms and flares, but I would argue it’s all about context as to whether you look daft.

Some dressing up examples to illustrate:

•       Promotional brochure from my days as a ‘scientist’, see pic (please no laughing). They were clearly stuck in the 1960s central casting view of scientists-(White coat, clipboard, glasses…) and then they wanted me to put some emotion into it – “Look concerned about your (test) engine” they said.  As you can see – emoting isn’t one of my good things – well I’d be concerned about my engine if we had just broken down in pouring rain in the middle of no-where with a couple of screaming littlies in the back of the car, but as I recall emoting for the camera was not part of the interview process when I joined. Notwithstanding my lack of smouldering emotion this picture popped up in all sorts of Shell publications for about 10 years subsequently.

 

•       Fast forward to the Early 90s and life in the fast lane – as part of technical support to an F1 team the silly coloured trousers and shirt covered in company logos were de rigeur.  The uniform combined with the compressed timescale of a race weekend gave you a form of temporary credibility and authority –like that Stanford University Experiment  (http://www.prisonexp.org/ ) – well maybe not quite as extreme but dealing with some of the morally flexible characters in Motorsport it was important not to become the uniform! 
•          Talking Balls! in India in 2009, see pic.  Flashing your legs at journalists wearing a silly striped shirt got their attention whilst trying to raise profile of, and money for youth rugby in Bangalore – OK perhaps they were also drawn by Vinay (a rugby player who also happens to be a local movies heart-throb). If you are confident you can get away with anything – clothes, rules, whatever – here we used the rugby ball as a talking stick – so the journalists could only ask a question after catching the ball and then throw it the member of the panel they wanted to answer it.

 

The point of all this is - let your littlies wear what they want and feel comfortable in – if they don’t match who cares! 

I may put my foot down if junior chooses some of the outfits Ken modelled – but this will only be to insist that we must also get one in my size so that we can go out as a matching pair ;-)

Can you colourise my life, I'm so sick of black and white?

Today I want to talk about the apparent increasing need for uniformity and order in German society.  This for me is exemplified by the almost complete lack of people choosing cars here beyond black, white and grey. 

Taking a straw poll in our road this morning 65 of 79 cars, that’s 82%, were Black/White/Grey – mostly black.  Henry Ford and Mick Jagger (now there’s an unlikely couple) would be proud.  

This was put into sharp focus for me when recently rewatching the marvellous Smiley’s People with Alec Guinness as George (this one doesn’t say ‘dinosaur’ all the time).  This was set in early 80s Hamburg and the moody shots in car parks revealed a veritable palette of vibrant greens, reds, oranges, blues and yellows.  

What went wrong? – I guess with reunification and then monetary union – Germany has been forced to take up its role as Europe’s very very sensible big brother (vs Flirty France and Sulky UK) and has sensible no nonsense cars to match –none of that vibrant but uncertain Mediterranean colour for us Vielen Dank!  This sensible uniformity is reflected by the rather wonderful Angela Merkel who wears the same jacket every day – but in different colours. http://www.theguardian.com/fashion/shortcuts/2012/oct/09/angela-merkel-jacket-pantone

The down to earth warmth seems to get lost somehow – that chatting to neighbours over the fence just doesn’t happen (unless it’s to complain about your child/noise/trampoline….) and the nearest I have seen to it (in our street) is two middle aged men in their huge BLACK Range Rovers stopped in the middle of the road (blocking it!) and chatting through their open driver’s windows.

Germany is for me like a piece of precision engineered machinery, and with such devices the acceptable tolerance becomes substantially lower.  The lack of tolerance for variety and moving towards uniformity is discussed scientifically as a potential victory for Entropy vs Enthalpy – or put rather better by Visage (also in the early 80s) ‘We Fade to Grey’.  At this point I should declare an interest – if you were to remove grey from my wardrobe – there would not be that much left.  I have been also accused many times of taking a black and white view of the world/people/events…. - which is substantially true. In my defense I would observe that my behavior and personality have been often described as colourful.

What has all this got to do with being a Papa Latte? 

Well one of the values I will be encouraging junior to embrace is to be confident to be different if he so chooses (I’m not sure he will need that much encouragement).  I seem to have had some previous success; as my one of my older sons thanked me in his wedding speech a few weeks ago for helping him 'realize that it’s ok to be a bit weird'

Don’t get me wrong - black and white can be good - and I am considering the ‘Whey Eye Man’ outfit for perhaps the Hamburg Mothers Meeting Christmas Party. http://www.nufcdirect.com/nufc-whey-aye-man-845805

In the short term looking at my grey fleece, socks and muted dark blue shorts  I think that an orange headband and one black sock are in order for the trip to pick up junior from Kindergarten.

So go on put a bit of Meatloaf in your day!

Peppa Pig and the Spiders from Mars

We now possess almost as many Peppa Pig DVDs, as we do of Star Trek, Dr Who, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Babylon 5 etc. etc. Inevitably I believe Peppa will end up on the big screen after being ‘Hollywooded’ up to suit the Sci-Fi/Action/Fantasy audience. They will try to keep the essential core which as far as I can see is that the following must be included:

1. Daddy Pig explains something from the adult world following a question from Peppa
2. Daddy Pigs says he is a bit of an expert in something which turns out not to be true
3. Peppa quarrels with Susie Sheep
4. George says ‘Dinosaur!’ a lot
5. Peppa is a bossy little madam
6. There is some random counting to boost the educational content
7. Miss Rabbit turns up in another of her innumerable jobs that she holds down simultaneously (surely proof of the multiverse!)
8. Mummy Pig turns out to be amazingly resourceful
9. A random new character is introduced
10. Pedro Pony is late/loses something/gets injured/says Ye-Ha…. 

It might go something like this:

Scene: Peppa family watching the Mr Potato TV Show Mr Potato - ‘and remember to eat vegetables and exercise, especially you Daddy Pig’

TV image goes fuzzy then switches to Charles Camel in the Newsroom

Charles Camel – ‘ We interrupt this programme to bring you breaking news about a worrying Rent in the Space/Time continuum that appeared near the supermarket this morning’

Peppa (with quizzical look on face) – ‘Daddy what is a Rent in the Space/Time Continnymum’

Daddy Pig – ‘Luckily Peppa I’m a bit of an expert in temporal mechanics’

Mummy Pig (looking concerned) – ‘Daddy Pig remember what happened when you last played with your tachyons – it took us ages to get our timelines straightened out’

Daddy Pig (dismissively) –‘that was just a temporary blip’ (continuing authoritatively) – ‘Peppa – a Rent in the Space/Time continuum is a device used by Science Fiction writers to put improbable characters and creatures together for dramatic effect – it never really happens’

Peppa Pig (still looking concerned and not to be fobbed off) – ‘then why did the newsreader say worrying?!’

Daddy Pig (slightly condescendingly)– ‘They just try to make things sound more important – as Grandad Pig always says “the chances of anything coming from Mars are a million-to-one”’

Music – Da Da DAA – Dah Dah Dum! – Da Dah Dum!

Peppa Pig – ‘Mummy does that mean its alright to go to the playground then?”

George – ‘Playgrou! Playgrou!’

Mummy Pig – ‘Yes Peppa of course you can go, but Daddy Pig will have to take you as today is my day for the Mummy’s Emergency Fire Service, and here is Mrs Sheep to pick me up’

Mummy pig jumps into Mrs Sheep’s car

Mummy Pig- ‘See you later’

Daddy, Peppa and George jump into their car and drive to the playground

Peppa – ‘Daddy why is the road so bumpy today?’

Daddy Pig – “I’m not sure Peppa it’s as if the ground is shaking with the footsteps of giant creatures’

Music – Da Da DAA – Dah Dah Dum! – Da Dah Dum!

Daddy, Peppa and George arrive at the playground and Peppa is greeted by Susie Sheep with a strange looking new arrival in the playground

Susie Sheep (triumphantly) – ‘Hello Peppa, this is my new best friend his name is Kaplak and he is a Klingon’

Peppa (indignantly ignoring Kaplak) – ‘But I’M YOUR BEST FRIEND!’ 

Susie Sheep (check-matingly) – ‘You were - but all I get is potatoes and juice at your house and Kaplak has his own barrel of blood wine and he lets me play with his bahtlet’

Before the argument can continue the sky darkens ominously

Peppa – ‘Daddy why has the sky gone dark?’

Daddy Pig – ‘It’s nothing to worry about its probably and eclipse. An eclipse is when….. Oh’

Daddy Pig stops mid sentence and looks very worried and get out his mobile phone and dials the Mummy’s Emergency Fire Service.

Interior of Mummy’s Emergency Fire Service – the Emergency RED phone rings urgently. Miss Rabbit answers the phone.

Daddy Pig – ‘Spider!’

Miss Rabbit – ‘Daddy Pig, we have told you time and time again this phone is only for emergencies, and not for when you can’t deal with a spider in the bath!’

Daddy Pig- ‘No Spiders- Giant Spiders- 50metres tall!’

Mummy Pig embarrassed and overhearing and grabbing the phone from Miss Rabbit

Mummy Pig – “DADDY PIG – have you been smoking your herbal cigarettes from Grandpa’s special greenhouse again?’

Daddy Pig – ‘No really Mummy Pig – Giant Spiders attacking the playground!’

Mummy Pig (taking authority and swinging into action) – ‘Don’t worry Daddy Pig no-one messes with our playground’

Mummy Pig (to Miss Rabbit) – ‘Ok it’s a White Swan emergency – you know what to do’

Miss Rabbit (channelling Arnie) – ‘Sure do and the boys are ready to rumble’

Mummy Pig (to the other Mummys) – ‘Ok ladies lets tool up and lock and load’

The Mummys go to the emergency armoury and equip with big show offy type space guns (think Sigourney Weaver in Alien)

Cut to Playground – the giant spiders are laying waste to the playground facilities – chaos ensues – however Peppa stands her ground defiantly.

Peppa (staring into the jaws of a salivating giant spider) – ‘You are just a naughty spider who has eaten too many pies why don’t you just leave our playground alone’

Just as the spider prepares to bite into Peppa, Kaplak leaps between them brandishing his bahtlet. 

Kaplak – ‘Peppa has spirit for a pig, but you spider are a creature without honour’

And with one swift blow he lops off the head of the spider and with a second slices open it’s abdomen and warm spider entrails splash onto the ground. Despite Kaplak’s intervention the spiders keep coming……

Cut to the Mummy’s Emergency Fire service engine rushing to the scene.

Mummy Pig (as they crest the hill and sight the playground) – ‘ Ok Mummys – It’s time to kick some mutant spider ass’

The Mummys leap of the engine, commando rolling and firing – bits of spider start exploding and flying off (gotta justify the CGI budget), but a sort of stalemate ensues and the spider’s superior numbers mean they will probably prevail.

Mummy Pig (sweating, bloody and breathless) – ‘I’m almost out of ammo’ 

Mummy Cat – ‘Me too’

Mummy Sheep – ‘Me too, what the @&*$! Is that?’

Music – Big bass drum heavy regular slow beats Cut to George

George (wide eyed) – ‘DINOSAUR, DINOSAUR, DINOSAUR!’

Peppa (big sisterly) – ‘George always says Dinosaur’

Daddy Pig (with a big smile) – ‘But this time he’s right – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 a whole dinosaur army HOORAY’

Cut to a group of T-Rex’s coming over the hill to the rescue, the lead one ridden by Miss Rabbit and Pedro Pony.

Pedro Pony – ‘Ye Ha’

Miss Rabbit – ‘Ok my beauties its time for a little snack’

Voice Over: ‘Miss Rabbit along with all her other jobs is in charge of the Special Eemrgency T-Rex assault group (an innovative response to years of defence spending cuts enabled by an earlier Rent in the Space/Time Continuum)’

The T-Rex army rips into the spider army and soon the playground/battlefield is quiet and strewn with the remains of the mutant Martian spider army.

Mummy Pig (high fiving Miss Rabbit) – ‘Those interplanetary web spinners will think again about messing with the Mummy’s Emergency Fire Service’

Peppa (surveying the rubble, and destroyed playground, and remains of dead giant spiders) – ‘But the playground is all broken, we have nothing left to play with’

Kaplak – ‘There is an ancient Klingon proverb that says there is no greater pleasure than jumping up and down in the entrails of ones defeated enemies’

All jump up and down in the puddles of spider entrails and then lie on their backs laughing

Voiceover: ‘Everyone likes jumping up and down in the entrails of ones defeated enemies!’

End Credits

Alpha Pappa ??

Can an Alpha male really be a Pappa Latte? I’m not a fully fledged Alpha male – if you want to know what our family is really like – the Peppa Pig ‘Fun Fair’ episode is frighteningly accurate ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Lf77gRop0U ). I do have my moments though and my response to the buggy destruction derby described in my previous post has been to acquire a vehicle the size of a small caravan for the daily Kita run (see pic). It may have the turning circle of a fully loaded supertanker (which I also have) but nobody is going to miss it and it goes in straight lines on its own. I am thinking of rigging a small sail and trying sand-yatching across the Stadtpark. The real Alpha Pappa is of course the esteemed Mr Partridge – but the similarities (apart from a weakness for ABBA) end there – well ok occasional sandles and socks too. The issues bubble to the surface so often in the playground. There seem to be two types of mums there a) Sit and iphone away oblivious to their children or b) Sit, coo, chat to everyone. I have a number of problems with this – first of all having (as Mrs Pappa Latte said) the emotional depth of a puddle on a dry day – I am physically unable to coo. Secondly I think that someone forgot to enable my smalltalk chip when I was commissioned – it would be much easier if life was like Star Trek and like Data I could just switch such things on and off as required. Thirdly why does no-one engage in the playground about the downturn in the Indian economy or G20 summit, or even the rise of the Pirate Party in Hamburg – its as if, as well as the sign at the gate forbidding alcohol, dogs and smoking there is an unwritten one which forbids intelligent adult conversation within the playground. This just forces my engineer to the surface and they must wonder about the strange man explaining the use of sand as a solid lubricant on the slide, conservation of angular momentum on the roundabout, and the frequency of pendulums on the swings, to a somewhat bemused toddler. Next week is junior’s first development discussion at Kita and so far I have a small dossier of material I have researched to discuss based on the UK early years model – highlighted, cross-referenced and colour coded. I am expecting a ‘He seems very happy and lively’ type conversation – I will be polite and explain that I am probably their worst nightmare as a demanding parent, and then get out my spreadsheets. Walking, talking, birthdays all highlights of littlies lives, but when junior assembles his first Excel table that will be a day to remember. It is easy to be misunderstood if you are me – this week I became a Director (with special responsibility for leaf based beverages) of the Hamburg Mothers Meeting and even this was decried as a paternalistic, macho, imperialist takeover in some quarters (only joking Mrs K). As the song goes ‘I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses’ of as it was put perhaps better ‘You cant please everyone - so you gotta please yourself’